How do I become a programmer?

[pekt2s]

I need your help. I want to be a High Calibrated Programmer. What will i keep in mind and waht is the main secret to be a successful programmer? what will be the first move to do or the first lesson should i know to be a programmer? pls help. Thanks in Advance. Godbless Programmers...

 

[k3n51mm]

To be a successful programmer, you must perform the following steps:

1) Pay $100,000 for your BSCS. You should also pay another $75,000 for another baccalaureate degree in another unrelated scientific field, such as Chemistry, Astrophysics, Finance, or Electrical Engineering. Remember to set aside an extra $35-40,000 for your master's degree after your undergraduate studies are completed. Otherwise, you will underqualified and you will not make it past the third interview, which is 500 miles away (you will not receive compensation for travel).

2) Continue to pay for ongoing Microsoft or other industry certifications. Each test costs ~$150, and you are not guaranteed to pass. Remember also that the higher scores others are achieving, the higher your score must be to pass. It's always good practice to keep a few thousand dollars lying around to support your career, whether it be for testing and/or reference materials, office supplies, or divorce attorneys. Note: whatever relationship you have when entering the computing industry WILL fail. Be ready for this eventuality, and everyone else in the computer industry will know at once that you are a programmer.

3) Give up your preconceived notions of time and its passage. You will oftentimes need the ability to complete 5 weeks' work in two days. Therefore, Newtonian time has no place in the programmer's lifestyle. Please note that you will also be required to live a life that includes other people such as your partner or children. This requires exceptional time/space techniques, and will frequently require you to be in two places at the same time.

4) You MUST learn to read minds. As a rule, your clients will not know what they want and will be unable to even explain it coherently. Therefore, the only way to understand what you must do to complete a project is to read the everyone's mind involved in any given project. This includes all of the client's representatives and stakeholders, everyone in your department, and your entire management team.

5) Be invisible. One of the most necessary tools in any programmer's arsenal is the Cloak of Invisibility. You should always know who is looking for you and why, well in advance. Using the time/space skills mentioned above, you will be required to disappear from your office, meetings, and other functions instantly, into a so-called 'Pocket Universe', which is the only place you will ever be able to get any work done.

I leave it to others on this forum to add anything I may have omitted. I hope I have helped prepare you for one of the most rewarding careers available today. However, I must now fold space back to a meeting that happened two weeks ago, read the database administrator's mind, fast-forward to late June, guess some field names, and compile new business logic into this week's Beta release that should not see the light of day until October 2009.

 

[TechGnome]

Item 1 above clearly shows why an ejumicatsun is imperative. Had he had the smarts ahead of time, he would have attended a state college and could have been trained in all kinds of stuff he'll never use for a lot less than $100k. It should have been $60k tops. And that's for good quality stuff you'll never use again.

2) Certs are essentially worthless until you get actual experience to go with it. OTherwise all it means is that you test well.

3) As silly as it seems.... the truth hurts. I'm already working on Jun5th.... 2010. We're able to split hairs, atoms and personalities, and yet I still can't attend two meetings at once. By the time the real space time continuum catches up, there should be a creame to fix that.

4) There's clearly a difference between what a client says they want, what they meant, what they really want and what they really need. It's up to you to figure out which is which. Our shop found the AxtiveX Brain Widgets to be the most helpful. Sadly, they are not .NET compliant, nor do they run in a web app.

5) Our shop is too small for the cloak to work effectively. Everyone I work for & with are all Wraiths, so even with The Ring, we still see each other. Due to recent restructuring, we've been granted personal universes roughly the size of a standard cube. Alliances have been formed and empires are being built. Mine is relatively small, at jsut two cubes, but wields an enourmous amount of power - we sit right outside the kitchen. I plan to retire in 5 years.

6) Have a sense of humour. It is impossible to survive in this biz unless you have a sence of humor. The following are required viewings and reading for any programmer:
* Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy * the entire series - all 5 books of the increasingly worst named trillogy.
* Officespace *
* Monty Python * Any of them, but at a minimum "Search for the Holy GRail"
* Mel Brooks * Again, any of them, but most will consider "Blazing Saddles" "Spaceballs" and "Men in Tights" as absolute minimum.

Any further viewing and readings will be at the whims of your future co-workers.

You will also need to know how to perform practical jokes, as well as being the subject of similar kinds of retaliations.

Did I miss anything? I think that pretty much covers it.

-tg